Emilie Beaumont, Chp. 3, Gen. 2,1724

~August, 1724~
Dear Diary:

     Seeing Bernard for the first time in five years, without a word from him- I just lost my sanity for a moment.

     I don't even regret all the screaming I did at him.  As far as I'm concerned, he deserved every last bit of it.  I sure hope it didn't bother any neighbors.

      I shrieked about all the pain I went through alone- how I was determined to move on, but that I still needed guidance and help from someone.  My father wasn't there for me.  My sisters couldn't take away the sharp hurt I felt inside.
     "You dare show your face around here after all these years and expect me to be delighted to see you?" I growled.  I didn't even attempt to be a polite young lady as Maman had tried to teach me to be.  I wasn't a young child anymore.  
     Bernard tried to apologize.  He tried to make it right, but I would not give him the pleasure.  
     "You can try all you want, but I'll never love you again.  I've found new love now.  You cannot stop me from doing what I want.  Frederique is wonderful.  I just may marry him someday- possibly soon."

     I could see the pure hurt on his face, the disbelief in his eyes, and it made me feel triumphant.  He could feel only the fraction of the suffering I did, but it made me smirk to myself in greed.  I have never thought of myself as evil, but I think I needed to let out the pent up feelings I had kept inside me over the years.
     "Get off our land!" I spat.  "Or I will call for my father.  And don't you ever come back."

     But as he walked away, shoulders slumped, I felt a twist of guilt rising inside.  Maybe I was a little hard.  But, now that I think of it, the confrontation reminds me very much of an argument my mother and I had very long ago.  It's difficult for me to remember, but I do believe it had something to do with my hair.  I was too hard on Maman.  I felt badly about it... But this situation was totally different.  I was the one who had suffered more.

     If only I knew what to do!  Since Bernard has returned, I do see him around town, always looking sadly at me.  Usually, Frederique is with me.  I try to make it seem to Bernard that I am deeply in love with Frederique, but the truth is, the more I try to fake it, the more unhappy I am.  What should I do, dear diary?

     Yours,
          Emilie
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     The truth was, Emilie was not happy in the least.  She was continuing to feel guilty about her explosion with Bernard, but she recognized that she was still extremely upset with him, and that she truly meant everything she had said.  
    How could he arrive and think I'd be just fine? Nothing is fine.  Nothing at all. 

     Once Emilie had explained everything to Claude, she asked him what she should do.
    "Emilie, I think you have a right to feel upset with Bernard, but-"
    "OF COURSE I have a right to feel upset with him!  He could have stayed with us, or something."  
    "Now, Emilie-"
    "Papa, I'm sorry, but we could have made it work.  HE could have made it work.  If he really and truly cared about me, he would have.  I guess I didn't do anything wrong at all.  I guess he did deserve what I said."
    "Emilie!"
    "You know what?  Actually much of this is your fault, Father!  You weren't there for us children at all.  You moped around like each day was your last.  Where were you when we needed guidance?  Where were you when we cried ourselves to sleep?  WHERE WERE YOU?" Emilie yelled.  Claude turned to face his daughter with her reddened face and teary eyes.
     "You will never speak to me like that again."  He left the room quietly.

      Mabeline, who had heard everything, thought hard in the silence.  
     "It- it was his fault, wasn't it, Mabeline?  Those long, chilly nights when we had no mother to comfort us.  We had a father who was not there, either.  We had to mourn ourselves to sleep."
     But Mabeline spoke no words in return, as Emilie really wasn't expecting an answer.  Emilie had lost all control of the situation.  Mabeline knew exactly what she needed to do.

     For her sister's sake.

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     Father Traske showed up right on time, according to the ancient clock that rested upon the living room end table.  Emilie, who did not invite him, was confused.
     "Greetings, Father Traske.  May I ask what brings you here today?"
     "Greetings, Emilie.  I have been told that you needed someone to speak with."

     Emilie almost laughed.  "That will not be necessary, Father.  I am... really quite fine."
     Father Traske did not look fooled.  "Do not lie to yourself, Emilie.  It is chaos in disguise."
     With that, Emilie couldn't keep her secret from him any longer.

     "Surely you remember Bernard DeCuir from Sunday worship at the church, a few years back?" 
     The Father nodded.  "He moved away."
     "Yes," Emilie replied.  "But he came back.  As young children, we were best friends, then later we became lovers.  When my mother died-" Father Traske nodded sympathetically "-he moved away from me at a time when I needed him most.  He had options, he could have stayed.  But he left me to struggle by myself. Father Traske, you don't understand.  I had no one but my sisters.  We didn't know how to make the pain go away.  We needed someone, though my father was not there for us.  And now Bernard, who has caused me even more pain, has come back, expecting me to love him just as much as I did when he left."

     "But, Father, I yelled and screamed at him.  I don't even regret it.  He deserved to feel a slice of the hurt I felt over all these years.  I saw it in his eyes.  I told him to never come back again.  And I told him I had found new love- and that I would never love him again.  
     "And I have... To a certain extent.  Frederique, he is my new lover.  But when I am around Bernard, I fake it even more."
     "Even more?"
     "I have not quite identified my, um, feelings for Frederique... yet."
     Father Traske nodded suspiciously.

     "There was a time when I dreamed of marrying him!  But now I do despise that rotten, wicked-"  Father Trask glared.  Her cheeks turned pink and she apologized.
     "Emilie, your problem is that you are letting your past get in the way of your future."
     "I have a right to be upset-"
     "Of course you do.  But, let us not hold grudges against God's children."

     "But, Father Traske-"
     "Silence.  According to God's book, how many times do we forgive each other?"

     "I don't know-"
     "Well, you should.  According to Him, we forgive our brothers 7 times 77 times.  That is how many times you should forgive Bernard.  You can do the math if you feel so inclined, but that is not the point.  You are bright, Emilie.  I can see it in your eyes.  You can figure it out."
     "But-" Emilie started, then fell silent.  

     "7 times 77 times...  But one of the most important things is to be truthful to yourself.  Goodbye, Emilie.  I can tell you will make the right decision."  Father Traske left with a nod of his head, leaving Emilie deep in thought.
     Bernard couldn't really leave his family at age 17... I know he loved me, but would I have really left my family at that age?  I would have been scared.  I wouldn't have been ready.  I suppose I really do need to apologize to him, but I really do not want to...  I can't believe how loud I was screaming... And how rude I really was...  Maybe there is a way I can make it up to him.  But I will not go back to being his love...  Emilie thought back to the times when she first knew Bernard...

     When he made fun of her just for laughs...

     When they talked about who knows what...

     When they were friends...

     When they were in love.

      By the time Emilie had made her decision, it was starting to get dark.  She was forbidden to leave the house at dusk, but she did not care.  Her father's rules were not at all important at the moment.

     Emilie ran to the family's carriage, which, to her surprise, still had Thunder attached to the harness.

     Thunder had never failed the Beaumonts.  Emilie prayed that he wouldn't fail now.

     "Okay, boy, it's just you and me.  Think you can go fast?"
     The horse whinnied in reply.  He seemed a little uncertain, in Emilie's opinion.
     "I know Claude is the one who normally handles you, but I'm all you have now," Emilie said as she stepped up into the carriage and grabbed hold of the whip.  Usually, handling the horse was considered man's work, but, like her own mother long ago, Emilie felt a feeling of exhilaration and adrenaline as she took a breath and whipped the horse.

     Emilie could tell it was going to be a bumpy ride... 


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*The Antique Legacy*

Emilie Beaumont

Emilie Beaumont, Chp. 2, Gen. 2, 1724

~July, 1724~

Dear Diary:

     A few years have gone by since the deaths of my family members, and of course, Bernard's departure.  I have escaped the teenage years for good and now find myself at age twenty.

     Bernard, Bernard!  How great the pain is that he has caused me!  Each day I waited and he is still gone.  Each day the pain deepens.  Each day I cannot forgive him.  Each day the anger boils inside me higher and higher.  Twenty years, he had said. Twenty!  I will not wait that long for him.  He has probably forgotten me.  He will never have my love again.  He has probably found some other girl... 

     If I ever see him again, I will give him the hardest slap on the face I can muster.  Take that, true love!

     Over the years, Papa seems cold and hardened from the deaths.  I know how much he loved my mother.  He is getting very old, and honestly I do not know how much longer my dear father will live.

     Many times, late at night, I find my papa sitting on the couch, next to a lit candle and the great clock.  I have come to the conclusion that the presence of the clock is calming to all and that there is indeed something magical about it.  Maman died in front of it.  That clock was surrounded by fire and yet it did not burn.  

     But maybe, maybe Papa is waiting- for his time.  Maybe he is waiting for the time when he will join Elizabeth.

     Yours (I think Maman's saying is 'With love'- It's time for me to make my own),

          Emilie

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     Though Emilie did feel the pain of Bernard's absence, she had moved on.  She met a man named Frederique DeLui and they became romantic.  Emilie didn't know if she wanted to someday marry him, however.  There was something about him that she did not like. 

     Frederique had a high, nasally voice.  He came from a wealthy family, and all he wanted to do was talk about himself.  Emilie was annoyed constantly but did a fine job of masking her feelings into a smiling face.  Emilie had wanted to believe it was love but found herself questioning her feelings.  He loved her, she could tell, but she wasn't sure how she really felt about him.

     Frederique tried to be affectionate, which she did like, but it seemed like he put no energy into anything.  Their hugs would be stiff and awkward.  Frederique seemed bored.  Emilie tried to make herself believe that he was a nice man and he was smart and that she should eventually marry him.  After all, many other women don't get to choose their husbands.  He is great!  He loves me! Time after time, Emilie didn't know if she believed it.

     There was no spark of magic in Frederique's kisses.  Emilie had to admit to herself that Bernard's kisses couldn't be matched or bested.  Yet, Emilie kept herself on the strong belief that Bernard was not coming back, and even if he did, she would never love him again.  He had lost his chance with her.  She deserved something better.  But is Frederique better?

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     One morning after a breakfast of porridge, Emilie found a scrap of paper in her bowl.  It read, "door" in messy handwriting.  Emilie knew immediately who wrote it: Hettie.

     "Hettie!  What is this?  I could have eaten that piece of paper."

      When there was no answer, Emilie became annoyed.  "Hettie!"  A muffled noise upstairs told Emilie that her sister was coming.

     When Hettie approached, Emilie said, "Was this some sort of joke?  What if I ate that?  It was NOT funny.  Explain before I get even more upset, please."

     

     "I'm, um, not really so sure what you're talking about, Emilie.  I've been upstairs this whole time." Hettie mumbled, cheeks burning red.

     "Look, I just want to know why you did it.  Okay? I know you wrote it.  Your handwriting needs work."

     Hettie giggled.  "Well, you caught me.  Yes, I wrote the note.  But only because Felicity told me to.  She just left- she's going to Papa's printing office."

     Emilie rushed to the window.  Felicity was no where to be seen.  "Do you know why she wanted you to write it?"

     "Nope."  Hettie ran off.

     Emilie washed off the dish in the sink and sat in a chair, staring at the note.  A few taps at the door made Emilie perk up.  Door!

     Emilie rose from the chair.  She knew who it was.  She quietly walked over to the door. 

     There could be so much hurt and pain behind a smile, and no one could know.  

     "Bernard?"


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*The Antique Legacy*

Emilie Beaumont

 

Emilie Beaumont, Chp. 1, Gen. 2, 1719

~January, 1719~
Dear Diary:


     Of all of us he could have given it to, Papa gave me, Emilie, the diary.  I was rather surprised.  The way I had acted to my Mother and sisters- I just really felt I did not deserve such a thing.  I'm really nothing like Maman.  She was a special person.  I am not as special as she was.  She was not afraid.  She was strong.  I feel weak and scared.  
     How I do miss my mother.  I wish I could have been there with her, so she didn't have to die such a lonely, horrible death.  My mother deserved so much more then she had in her life.  I don't think I can live up to what she has built for us.  I have yet to turn 16.  I have yet to master the English language.  I have yet... to be.
     The number of African slaves is increasing.  Papa has enough to worry about, with the Printer's and Maman's death and Jean-Claude's sickness.  He cannot be disturbed by a scared fifteen year old girl.  By a sad fifteen year old girl.  By a weak fifteen year old girl.  He just gave me the diary and went out the door.

     Maman's diary is thick.  Surprisingly, there still seems to be quite a bit of blank paper left.  I decide to start writing my thoughts underneath her last entry.  Perhaps this diary can be passed on throughout the Beaumont generations.  

     I will read my mother's diary so I can learn to be.


     With love,
             Emilie Beaumont
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     Jean-Claude had been fighting a losing battle.   Malaria had finally beat him and he passed away in his sleep on a chilly February morning.  The news of his mother's death had put a large amount of stress on him.

     Emilie was particularly close with little Jean-Claude.  She was deeply saddened.  She asked Claude if Jean-Claude's remains could be kept next to Elizabeth's.

     Felicity was devastated from the losses.  She did not trust any sort of fire- not even the small flame of a candle.  

     Even quiet little Hettie, who, along with Mabeline, had aged into beautiful teenagers, could not stop the sobs from escaping her.  

     Mabeline preferred to mourn outside, away from Jean-Claude's bed and away from the fireplace.  

     Being outside made Mabeline feel closer to Elizabeth somehow.  Maybe, thought Mabeline, it's just the stars.
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      One day, Emilie decided to visit Bernard.  She needed a shoulder to cry on and her sisters wanted to be by themselves.

     "Oh, Bernard! Our family is falling apart!" Emilie sniffed.  "I do not know how I can go on without my mother and Jean-Claude.  And-and Jean-Claude was just an innocent little boy!"  Emilie's tears dampened Bernard's coat.  
     "Emilie, I understand your sadness, but do remember that your family is fortunate to not have lost any more.  My older brother died of sickness when he was only two years old.  My mother didn't think she could have anymore children after I was born,  Some families lose nearly everyone."  Bernard patted Emilie on the shoulder.
     Emilie sobbed again.  "What would I do without you, Bernard?"  
     Bernard stiffened.

     "Emilie," Bernard said hesitantly, "I have something I need to tell you now."
     Emilie gazed  at him.  He looked blurry due to the tears in her eyes.
     "My family is- well, we're moving to Boston next week."
     Silence stretched around them and suffocated their words.  Emilie shook her head in disbelief.  Her lips trembled.  Tears spilled onto her cheeks.

     "You-" Emilie sniffled -"you're leaving me alone here to become trapped in my sorrows? How could you leave me?  I love you?" Emilie cried. "I have nothing to lose, now.  NOTHING!  I don't have anything else to live for.  How could you do this to me-"

     "Emilie, please!  I don't want to leave you.  You mean more to me then anything else in this new world.  You are my daylight.  You bring smiles to my face.  My family is moving and I am not yet eighteen.  I will come back to you someday.  I promise you."

     "Bernard, I cannot live through this alone.  You just made it worse for me. How could you?"  
     "Listen, Emilie.  You are strong-willed.  You can get through this.  You don't need me.  I will come back for you, no matter what.  It may be in two weeks, it may be in 20 years.  But no matter what, I will come back for you."
     Emilie and Bernard departed and went their separate ways.  Emilie's sadness was replaced by anger, then by determination.
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Dear Diary:

     Bernard is leaving me.  I could not bear to imagine life without him.  But he promises to come back for me.  I hope with all my heart he returns soon.  Somehow, I have a feeling that it will not be soon, though.  
     I will get through this.  I will not let this ruin my life.  Death is a part of life.  Maman and Jean-Claude are in a better place, but how I do miss them!  The house is quiet and more empty.  Papa sleeps next to an empty pillow.  Maman was not afraid to show her strength. 

     And that is exactly how I plan to be. 


     With love,
             Emilie 
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*The Antique Legacy*

Emilie Beaumont